Some Airplane/Airline Humor

[Xplantdad]

A friend sent these to me...

<u>Flying humor</u>

Aviation Note: For those who don't know, "The Sled" is the SR-71

Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane. In

his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day

as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern

California 13 miles high.

We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as

we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us,

they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask

for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments

later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost

instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty

52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the

response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I

was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a

familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It

was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real

crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got

a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal

pause....

"Aspen, I

show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph for those who don't know)

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

--------------------------------------------------

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a

request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous

controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to

get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go

up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.

-------------------------------------

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He

placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the

navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot

responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart

table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator

replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

--------------------------------------------

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk

helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call

sign"broomstick one".

And

they say the Army has no sense of humor!

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta

351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold

short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out,

turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted

comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute

little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee

pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it

out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough

parts for another one."

--------------------------------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority

landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit

peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number

two behind a

B-52

that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded

seven-engine approach."

----------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your

last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

--------------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and

returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A

concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the

problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"

explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new

pilot."

--------------------------------------------------

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up

here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

[SS427]

Good humor Bruce. This has always been one of my favorites.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number three engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[ZL1.FUN]

that crack's me up

[Xplantdad]

Those are funny Rick!

[af1fe]

F-14 Flight---A Must Read

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is broken.

"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have ...John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do ..
Do Not Go!!!

I know. The U.S Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast!
I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it.
He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake --
the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about
getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot .. but, still, very cool.)
I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at
such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and
Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet
we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie. And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.
I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized
I was the first person in history to throw down. I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."

[NapsterNova]

Awesome!

[427TJ]

Airline pilot humor:

When the time comes I want to die in my sleep the way my father did, relaxed and calm.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers were.

[nuch_ss396]

I took a pretty heavy ride in a P-51 Mustang last summer.
No F-14 to be sure, but it pulled 3+ G's in the turns and
if I had been eating milk duds, they would have decorated
the cockpit of that plane to be sure. Funny, I thought I
was going to be tougher than that. I was one wobbly-legged
land-lubber when I climbed out of the cockpit and slid down
the wing.

Steve

[SS427]

Steve,
Who's P-51 and what was the nose art name? Once you have done it you are hooked for sure.
Rick

[nuch_ss396]

Rick,

This particular P-51 goes by the name: RED NOSE
It belongs to the Confederate ( oops - Commerative ) AF.




Steve