Joke

[SamLBInj]

Sam

[MrsBillyBobcat]

Here's a "cute one"


"TICKLE ME ELMO"

A new employee is hired at the "Tickle Me Elmo" factory.

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[SamLBInj]

Thats Funny..
Sam

[BBIGG BLOCK 396]

A third grade teacher asked her students to make a sentance with the word "fascinate".A little girl stated she had one,she said that her parents took her to the zoo and seeing all the animals was fascinating.
The teacher said that is very nice but you used the word fascinating,not fascinate.
Another little girl said OK I have one.She said that when on vacation they visited the statue of Liberty and she was fascinated by it's size.Again the teacher said that is very nice but you used the word "fascinated" not "fascinate"

Then little Johnny raised his hand and said he could use the word "fascinate" in a sentenance.The teacher was reluctatnt to pick him because he used vulgar language all the time but thought for a minute and said to herself there was no way that he could think of something vulgar with the word "fascinate" so she told Johnny to go ahead.Little Johnny said that his sister had a sweater that had ten buttons on it but her BOOBS were so FRIGGING big that she could only fascinate of them!
Did not want to use the exact language I heard so not to offend anyone.

Bobby

[SamLBInj]

Three Labrador Retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black were
sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up
a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

"The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you
here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up
flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I
dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a
great big hole in my owner's couch.

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you
here?"

I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, post boxes, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't
help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts
off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Sam

[Nova67ss]

http://pages.sbcglobal.net/mmtimmy/b.html

Try to listen to how an italiano can bee missunderstood..

[jfkheat]

Makes you think???

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight.
The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it.
A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them.
The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to
move. The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the
man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash.
The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips
him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the
intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her
chance to get through the intersection.
As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up
into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in
sight.
She complies, speechless at what is happening.
After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car
with her hands up.
She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on
her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she
is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the
door for her.
She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is
waiting with her personal effects and says, "I'm really sorry for this
mistake.
But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at
him.
I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus
Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper
sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

James

[GRB]

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha...dats a guud von...

[jfkheat]

Subject: EXCERPTS FROM LAW COURT TRANSCRIPTS

These are from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law somewhere