joke

[Billohio]

My dad heard this over the weekend and thought I would share.

Lady goes to a pet store and sees a beautiful parrott that was on sale. The shop owner goes over and asks if she needs help. The lady says, he is beautiful. The owner told her that he was rescued from a brothel and sometimes says things that he shouldnt. She thinks about it and for the price she decides she could tolerate some bad language.
She takes the bird home and the first days is fine. The next morning she comes in to greet the bird and he says theres the madam. She thinks well that isnt so bad. Later that day she walks in the room with her daughter and the bird screams, theres the madam with a girl. She laughs and goes on. Later that day her husband comes home and walks into see the bird. The bird got all excited and said hi Jerry!!

[markinnaples]

Man asked his wife at breakfast, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half, and then leave you."

"Great," he said, "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."

[Lee Stewart]

An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[earntaz]

A crusty old Navy Master Chief found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation:
“Excuse me, Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
"Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his medals and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well! There you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955.
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”
The Chief said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”
(Gotta love military time!)

[Lee Stewart]

[Lee Stewart]

[m22mike]

[Lee Stewart]

[Big Block Bill]

A Guy goes to the Dentist to get a tooth pulled. The Dentist tells him to sit in the chair and gets the needle to give him Novocaine and he says: "No needles Doc, I don't do needles". so the Dentist gets the gas mask and he says: "No Doc I can't do mask's, I'm claustrophobic and I'll pass out" So the Dentist says: "Here take this Viagra" The Guy says: "I didn't know Viagra is used in Dentistry"? The Dentist says: "It's not, but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!

[earntaz]

Humor for seniors ~~~

Late one night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe
you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember
that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped
cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'