joke

[427.060]

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Mr70]

.

[earntaz]

Never underestimate the sweetness of revenge...

A fleeing ISIS terrorist, desperate for water, was
plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw
something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a
very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small
makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The ISIS terrorist asked, "Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you
like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I
do not need such an over-priced western adornment-
I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and
only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one
around your scrawny little neck and choke the life
out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find
water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not
matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or
that you hate me, threaten my life and call me
infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any
of that. If you continue over that hill to the east
for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It
has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you
need...Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate ISIS staggered away
over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead
and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!

You must admit...you never saw that coming!

[Chick_Maggot]

Your momma is so fat, when she jumps for joy she gets stuck.

[Lee Stewart]

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

[Charley Lillard]

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

[Lee Stewart]

Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table!

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"


They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.


"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."


"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.


"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

[Mr70]

.

[Vern B]

Which of the following names are you familiar with?


1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
















You had trouble with #5, didn't you?




You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers,
thieves, loose women and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??

[Lee Stewart]

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."

God told Adam He was going to make him a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

"An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history....!