Joke

[earntaz]

We may have to start a new section ... here is a good one!

Good Salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

The manager was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to the sales floor to check on how the kid did on his first day. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The manager replies, "Just one?!!? Our employees average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes. The manager felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his manager and says "$101,237.65".

The manager, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The manager said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

[twertsy]

A 75 year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist asked 'Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for to-day?' 'There's something wrong with my dick' he replied,
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that'. 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong, and I told you' replied the man.
The receptionist said 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people, you should have said ' There is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private'.
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone' .
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked 'Yes?' 'There’s something wrong with my ear' he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice...'And what is wrong with your ear Sir?'
'I cant pee out of it!' he replied.

[twertsy]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

[earntaz]

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW. "

[Canuck]

WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

[earntaz]

WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN

As a kid born and raised in northern Wisconsin and an old Air Force 462, guns are a way of life. Now living here in south Texas, guns are just as prevalent.

I sure am glad my wife mate doesn't read posting here!! LOL

[galveston]

My ex-wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas one year and my response was something that goes from 0 to 220 in 3 seconds or less......

I got a bathroom scale. [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/frown.gif[/img]

[Xplantdad]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: galveston</div><div class="ubbcode-body">My ex-wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas one year and my response was something that goes from 0 to 220 in 3 seconds or less......

I got a bathroom scale. [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/frown.gif[/img] </div></div>

Cue the rim shot! LOL [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]

[m22mike]

So is that scale big enough [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/hmmm.gif[/img]

[m22mike]

*** Missing Wife ***

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.


Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.



Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.



Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.



Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.



Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.



Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Blue Granite Metallic 2011 Chevy Silverado LT 4x4 crew-cab with the 5'8&quot; short box with black leather bench seat interior. It has the 403hp 6.2L V8, 6 speed automatic, and max towing package with 3.73 gears and factory brake controller. It has 17&quot; aluminum wheels with General Altimax tires, and a 2&quot; drop hitch with 2-5/16&quot; ball. I removed the 4x4 stickers off the box sides and the flex-fuel emblem off the tailgate.


At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Yuk, Yuk, Yuk [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/grin.gif[/img]