The parrot

[SSJunkie68-69]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.'

The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'

'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.'

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'

'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.'

'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this bitch giving you a hard time?'

[Mr70]

I like that one.
My Grandpa told it on X-mas morning one year in front of the whooooooole family..

[Xplantdad]

LOL

[Z28DZ]

Good stuff

Howsa about:

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired
and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a
few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me
one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to
play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's
the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?" The lawyer has a perplexed look on his face as the Blonde leans
away and falls asleep.. The Lawyer starts using his laptop, searches all
references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library
of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no
avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and
goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

[SSJunkie68-69]

Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00 .
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00 .
Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Democrat?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."

[Kim_Howie]

Now I like that one