joke

[Lee Stewart]

MISSING PERSON Report

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck

[earntaz]

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut ... then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

"The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

..... Love the Dad's reply!

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

[earntaz]

Hmmmmmm…might be more truth than fiction?!!!

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[goernie28]

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to install the light bulb and three to complain that it's electric.

[earntaz]

The Coyote Principle
CALIFORNIA

• The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

• The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

• He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

• He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

• The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

• The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

• The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

• The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

• The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.

• PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

TEXAS

• The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

• The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

• The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.