The Supercar Registry

The Supercar Registry (https://www.yenko.net/forum/index.php)

- Lounge (https://www.yenko.net/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=87)

- - Joke (https://www.yenko.net/forum/showthread.php?t=75928)

Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The
other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood
it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a
big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next
time he'll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Wisconsin

toner

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet"

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice
but, are... my...test... results... back?
Sam https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...ns/naughty.gif

Okay, I'm in.

A well to do older man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup. He tells the doc that he's divorced his wife of 30 years and has taken up with a hot young 25 year old blonde. (Sorry Rita.) The blonde has a sex drive that's been wearing him out and he asks the doc for a Viagra prescription. Concerned, the doctor replies, "You know, in this situation vigorous sex could be life-threatening." The older man replies, "Hey doc, if she dies, she dies."

https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...iggthumpup.gif https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...mlins/haha.gif https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...lins/beers.gif https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...s/headbang.gif (If I do say so myself!)

https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...mlins/haha.gif https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...mlins/haha.gif https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...mlins/haha.gif

Here's a "cute one" https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...mlins/wink.gif

"TICKLE ME ELMO"

A new employee is hired at the "Tickle Me Elmo" factory.

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...ns/shocked.gif At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...emlins/eek.gif

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...mlins/haha.gif After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...lins/blush.gif

https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...mlins/haha.gif

A third grade teacher asked her students to make a sentance with the word "fascinate".A little girl stated she had one,she said that her parents took her to the zoo and seeing all the animals was fascinating.
The teacher said that is very nice but you used the word fascinating,not fascinate.
Another little girl said OK I have one.She said that when on vacation they visited the statue of Liberty and she was fascinated by it's size.Again the teacher said that is very nice but you used the word "fascinated" not "fascinate"

Then little Johnny raised his hand and said he could use the word "fascinate" in a sentenance.The teacher was reluctatnt to pick him because he used vulgar language all the time but thought for a minute and said to herself there was no way that he could think of something vulgar with the word "fascinate" so she told Johnny to go ahead.Little Johnny said that his sister had a sweater that had ten buttons on it but her BOOBS were so FRIGGING big that she could only fascinate of them!
Did not want to use the exact language I heard so not to offend anyone. https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...mlins/grin.gif

Bobby

Three Labrador Retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black were
sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up
a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

"The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you
here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up
flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I
dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a
great big hole in my owner's couch.

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you
here?"

I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, post boxes, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't
help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts
off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped." https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...ns/naughty.gif
Sam

http://pages.sbcglobal.net/mmtimmy/b.html

Try to listen to how an italiano can bee missunderstood..

Makes you think???

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight.
The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it.
A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them.
The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to
move. The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the
man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash.
The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips
him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the
intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her
chance to get through the intersection.
As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up
into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in
sight.
She complies, speechless at what is happening.
After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car
with her hands up.
She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on
her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she
is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the
door for her.
She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is
waiting with her personal effects and says, "I'm really sorry for this
mistake.
But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at
him.
I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus
Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper
sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

James

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha...dats a guud von... https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...mlins/haha.gif

Subject: EXCERPTS FROM LAW COURT TRANSCRIPTS

These are from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law somewhere

Watchit on that last one....it's a proven fact https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...ns/scholar.gif that 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name! https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...lins/beers.gif

A 90 yr old man goes to the doctor for a check up and begins by telling the doctor"Ive never felt better in my life...I jog over a mile every day,I wash my own cars every week,I have a new bride 28 yrs old and guess what else ...she's gonna have my baby!! What do you think about that?" The doctor ponders for a moment and ask the old man "If you got up early one morning to go hunting and reached in the closet to get your rifle; instead accidently grabbed your umbrella with out noticing and went hunting anyway, and you saw large mountain lion coming down a trail...you raised your gun to shoot and when you pulled the trigger and the umbrella opened. When you looked over the umberlla and saw that the lion was dead anyway...what would you think?" The old man then pondered a second and said " Id think somebody else shot the cat". The doctor looked over his glasses at the old man and said... "Exactly"

My mother-in-law sent me this.

Eight words with different meanings
depending on one's gender...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male.........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male.........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

toner

While taking a Tour of the White House,A Blonde was introduced to the Secretary of the Interior.
The Blonde shook her hand and replied,"I just Love how you've decorated this Place!".
The Sad part is that this is a true story as it was Jessica Simpson who said it,as she was being Sincere...again. https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...lins/crazy.gif

The 99% figure has been updated and corrected to 99.99%. https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/imag...emlins/eek.gif