Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Eight Words with two Meanings . . .

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female ... Any part under a car's hood.
Male ... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female ... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male ... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female ... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female ... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male ... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn- ment) n.
Female ... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female ... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male ... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female ... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female ... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don't you?

He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Bran Muffins

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven. It is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your friggin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE, DOESN'T IT?

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

It's time for a clear, serious grammar lesson.

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world, and a case of 25 year old Scotch.

There's actually a muffler shop in my neighborhood that has this very slogan.

We've got a deli nearby and their slogan is "You can't beat our meat".

K

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man. Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing." "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says " I want a Million Bucks" The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead. And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC!"

I was on vacation in Florida with some colleagues and their wives on Christmas vacation. I was walking down the beach and I see one of my colleagues approaching me. He is a psychologist. "You had breakfast yet," I ask?

"No."

"Let's find a place."

"Good," he says. "My car is right over there." I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it's a stick-shift.

I say, "You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn't know that they made a Lincoln like that."

"They don't," he says. "I ordered it special."

"I'll bet that cost a fortune," I reply.

"Oh, yeah. You got that right."

"Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift," I ask?

He says, "My wife can't drive a stick."

Makes perfect sense to me! I had a perfect 67 427 Vette -- everytime I turned around, the better half was driving it ... said she loved it. Had to get her a 73 Vette just to keep her out of mine??!@#$ ...

The Gynecologist
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was just burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

Oh man TAZ, that's good!!! :haha:

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do.” his mother insisted.
“We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained.

“But this is Grandma’s house, and she knows how to cook!”

Don't let Mama see this ... LOL

How true -- oh so true!!!

I've also seen the wing used as a pie rack ... LoL

The Judge wing is functional, as well.

K

A Hummer drives up to a gas station, and after a half hour, the driver is still pumping gas in.

The cashier walks out, and says to the guy, "If you will shut the motor off you can make some headway on that thing"

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying

the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gKd2xaQ2Wd...4/s1600/1a.jpg

He notices, however, that all of the monks are

copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question

this, pointing out that if someone made even a small

error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of

the subsequent copies.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xXyt2s5l3E...8/s1600/1b.jpg

The head monk, says, "We have been copying

from the copies for centuries, but you make a

good point, my son."


http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ikLrOqA_wg...E/s1600/1c.jpg



He goes down into the dark caves

underneath the monastery where the original

manuscripts are held as archives,

in a locked vault that hasn't

been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.


http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JooMp6UNAa...w/s1600/1d.jpg

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the
R!

We missed the
R!

We missed the bloody
R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ....

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kfMhT--6TD...A/s1600/1e.jpg


CELEBRATE!"

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, ‘What is that you just served?’

The waiter replied, ‘Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!’

The Australian said, ‘I will have the same please.’

The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ‘These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.’

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

“Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

Ole??!@#$

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,

• to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men…

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

.

Never underestimate the sweetness of revenge...

A fleeing ISIS terrorist, desperate for water, was
plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw
something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a
very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small
makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The ISIS terrorist asked, "Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you
like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I
do not need such an over-priced western adornment-
I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and
only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one
around your scrawny little neck and choke the life
out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find
water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not
matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or
that you hate me, threaten my life and call me
infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any
of that. If you continue over that hill to the east
for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It
has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you
need...Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate ISIS staggered away
over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead
and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!

You must admit...you never saw that coming!

Your momma is so fat, when she jumps for joy she gets stuck.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table!

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"


They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.


"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."


"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.


"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

.

Which of the following names are you familiar with?


1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
















You had trouble with #5, didn't you?




You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers,
thieves, loose women and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope??

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."

God told Adam He was going to make him a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

"An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history....!