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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.' :hmmm:

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say hello?"

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift… When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that's how the fight started…

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?” She answered, “No." I then said, "Is that your final answer?” She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes…” So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.”
And that's when the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?” "Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that's when the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?” "Yes", she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.” "My God!" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that’s when the fight started…

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer … always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?” I said, "Dust.”
And that's then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight started…

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
And that’s when the fight started…

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible … I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”
And that’s when the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning … the start of a REALLY BAD DAY! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF. He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!” So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
And that's when the fight started… :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :beers:

Old is just a feeling...

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore...

The True story of Pierre and how he gained his notority.

Pierre has declared "I have created a statue of the Lady Madonna that rivals the Michael Angelo's Pieta"

do the call me "Pierre the Sculpture" .......NO!

He went on to declare I have painted a woman's face that shames the Mona Lisa,

Do they proclaims me 'Pierre the Artiste'......NO!

I have invented things that would baffle the mind of DaVinci,

do they praise me "Great Architect".......NO!

But, suck one Coc*, and forever they will call out ......

"There goes Pierre the Coc*sucker" !!

One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here’s something I have that you'll never have."

The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.

A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, "My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.


She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?


''Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!


''Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'


'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster Mother , 540-yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'


'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'


'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'


'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.


'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'


So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.


'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'


Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'For Christ's sake you didn't miss the friggin putt, did you?'

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children,needed to move because his rental agreementwas terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.When he said, he had 12 children. No one would rent a home to him because theyfelt that the children would destroy the place.He couldn't say he had no children,because he couldn't lie.We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.He took the remaining one with him tosee rental homes with the real estate agent.He loved one of the homes andthe price was right -- the agent asked:"How many children do you have?He answered: "Twelve."The agent asked, "Where are the others?"The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered“They're in the cemetery with their mother."

Yep -- lawyers don't lie ... good one!!

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought her a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave her a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy!"

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ....

So she took them home and ate them and they were simply delicious.



There are two lessons here:



1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some people might think.

Haaaaaaaaaaaa -- good one!!

Another year of BS
 

I was eating breakfast with my 10 year old Granddaughter and asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I ask her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obuma, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the president steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bull$hit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.

A man came in from a morning of fishing and parked his boat. He was beat so he took a nap. While he was sleeping his wife decided she'd take the boat out on the lake and do some reading.
She went to a nice little cove, anchored and started reading. Later, a Game Warden pulled up along side and asked her what she was doing. "Reading" she said while thinking, "Isn't that obvious?" The Game Warden said that she was in a restricted fishing area and that he was going to need to bring her in and ticket her. "I wasn't fishing, I was reading" she said. The Game Warden replied, "well, you have all the equipment. You could start at any time." The woman said, "Fine, but when we go in I'm going to have to charge you with sexual assault." The Game Warden says, "But I haven't even touched you!" She looks at him and said, "Well, you have all the equipment. You could start at any time." The Game Warden left her to read in peace...

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years
suggested they take a cruise: “We could go somewhere for a week, and make
wild love like we did when we were young!” He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle
of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,
“I’ve been thinking. There’s no reason we can’t go for a month.” So Mr.
Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick
pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, “You know,
since the children are on their own, what’s stopping us from cruising the
world?”

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The
pharmacist finally had to ask.

“You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30
years. I certainly don’t mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why
the hell do you do it?”

A jumbo jet was filled with passengers who were waiting for the pilot to arrive so they could take off.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both are wearing dark sunglasses.

At first, the passengers don’t react – thinking it must be some sort of practical joke. But after a few minutes, the engines start and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering amongst themselves and look desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.

The plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway they become more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than 50 feet of runway left, the shouts intensify and everyone on board begins screaming at once.

At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re not going to know when to take off!”

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'

Seeking out the pastor He asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Denver , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Georgia, upon entering a church in Powder Springs; Behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.'

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call; Why?'

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in the South now. You're in God's Country, It's a local call.'

a plane is on its way to toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up, & moves to the first class section and sits down.



the flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here.”





the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.





the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here.”





the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman, who won't listen to reason.





the pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.





the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.



"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto "

:grin::grin::grin::grin:

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words... and don't forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.

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One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Pop is makin' sure the little fart won't fall off the bumper ... :biggthumpup:

There is a moral to this little smile:
 

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,
what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked
women, Too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around
with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, then returned to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here
that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you fully understand the question before offering the
answer. :haha: :haha:

A short little love story
 

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own f-ing blanket’


After a moment of silence, he farted.

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

:ooo:

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station. As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,

"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said,

"I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right?

You can't even find the Post Office."

:haha::haha::haha: