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Disgusting TAZ! How could you??? I'm udderly appalled!!
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Still holds up as one of the funniest scenes ever.
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Met Ted Vernon in Miami a few weeks ago and he told me a joke:
A mushroom walked into a bar, and the bartender told him, "We don't serve your kind in here." And the mushroom replied, "Why not? I'm a fungi!" |
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ah..i get it..fungi---fun guy...goot one
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[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/biggthumpup.gif[/img]
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im a little dense...maybe slow..and i really had to think on that one..still...funny...goot one
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'
Buddy just sent me this one below... [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/beers.gif[/img] ~ Pete - With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer, panties...and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied: "Go look in the garage." - |
Re: joke
That's a good one, never saw it coming. [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/biggthumpup.gif[/img]
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OMG!!!
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lol....
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saw this on another forum..pretty good
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard." |
Re: joke
One day a Kindergarten teacher tells her pupils, "Children, in this lesson we are going to use the word beautiful two times in one sentence. Lorrie, can you use the word beautiful two times in one sentence?" "Yes, teacher! My mommy's beautiful flowers made the kitchen more beautiful!" "Very good Lorrie! Okay Bobby, can you use the word beautiful two times in one sentence?" "Yes teacher, I can! My mother's beautiful new dress made her look really beautiful." "Very good Bobby." "Okay Joey, can you use the word beautiful two times in one sentence?" "Yes ma'am, I can. Last night my older sister came home and told my dad she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful! Just fu**ing beautiful!'"
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1 Attachment(s)
No joke..and made in China.
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[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]
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A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:
We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you. Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels.” On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.” On a Plumber's truck : "We repair what your husband fixed.” On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.” At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout.” On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts.” In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.” On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push.” At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.” Outside a Muffler Shop "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.” In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry come on in and get fed up.” In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.” At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank Heaven for little grills.” In a Chicago Radiator Shop "Best place in town to take a leak.” And the best one for last… Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises" |
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These are the oldies but goodies fun words we used – sometimes still do!
BORING IF YOU ARE UNDER SIXTY BUT, HUMOROUS IF YOU'RE OVER.. Heavens to Murgatroyd! Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd? Lost words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really! The other day a not so elderly (65) (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy? OMG (new) phrase! He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old, but not that old. Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle. About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry.” Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehosaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China! Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; or spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I'll be a monkey's uncle! or, This is a fine kettle of fish! We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards. Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone? Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging. See ya later, alligator! |
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A friend of mine has 2 box seat tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl.Includes airfares and hotel accommodations,but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding,so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him,it's at St.Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m.Look for Brenda in a white dress. |
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Depends if she can cook and has a job and worthless without pictures! [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/dunno.gif[/img]
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WHY WOMEN MAKE BETTER ASSASSINS The C I A had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the C I A agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.” The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.” The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.“ Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair. |
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HeHe Good one!
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awesome....
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joke
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[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/beers.gif[/img] ~ Pete - A cop pulls a car over for speeding. Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 50 zone?” Driver: “ Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.” Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?” Driver: “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!” Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?” Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will escape!” The cop, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior! At his arrival, the cop told the Sheriff all that. The Sheriff told him to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver: Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!” Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire” Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?” Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!” Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment” Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!” Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?” Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you never know! That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else, was I speeding too?” [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/naughty.gif[/img] - |
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I decided to go to the local Pow-Wow at the Muskoday Reserve for the first time to see what it was all about:
I sat down and the Chief came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today." I told him I wasn't paralyzed, But I did have a small bunion on my left foot. He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra: "By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today." Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me. After prayers I stepped outside. And WHAT THE HELL- MY CAR WAS GONE !!!! |
Joke
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man (about 75 years old) on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster. What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers softly, "Please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror." - |
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Not really a joke, it is a new advertising campaign for a local plumber.
https://www.yenko.net/ubbthreads/pics...81-unnamed.jpg |
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Sorry if this is a bit off-color:
Little boy comes home from school and his dad asks him what he learned today. The boy says they were explaining the difference between theory and reality, but he says he didn't really understand the difference. The father thinks for a moment and asks his son to go upstairs and ask his older sister if she would have sex with the mailman for half a million dollars. The boy returns and says that she thought it about it for a moment and then said knowing how much good the money would do the family, she said she would sleep with the mailman for half a million dollars. The father then asks the boy to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the milkman for half a million dollars. The boy returns and says that she thought it about it for a moment and then said knowing how much good the money would do the family, she said she would sleep with the milkman for half a million dollars. The father thinks for a moment and then says to the boy; "well son, the difference between theory and reality goes something like this; In theory, this family is a millionaire family. In reality, your sister and mother are a couple of whores." |
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[img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]
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oh my god...thats funny right there..i dont care who ya are...
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Re: Joke
Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Ron replied, "That would be my wife. |
Re: Joke
Both good ones ... [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img] [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img] [img]<<GRAEMLIN_URL>>/haha.gif[/img]
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Re: joke..the lucky frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears: " Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits his ball 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! A Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog; "OK where to next?" The frog replies; "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says; "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies; "Ribbit KissMe." The man figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God-- or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." |
Re: joke..the lucky frog
HA! Good one!
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Re: joke..the lucky frog
HeHe -- excellent!!
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Re: joke..the lucky frog
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Re: joke..the lucky frog
Good thing no one passed any gas ...
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Re: joke..the lucky frog
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Re: joke..the lucky frog
God says to Adam: It is not good for you to be alone. You need a helper, but it's going to cost you.
What would you like? Adam: Hmmm, how about a beautiful woman with a great attitude. Wakes up every day with a smile on her face ready to go. Loves intimacy (you told me it would be great once I discover it, right?) and can't wait to please me. Works hard, loves to prepare the best meals possible, cleans like you wouldn't believe, and can't wait to hear my next funny story. What would that cost me? God: Looks like that's going to be an arm and a leg. Adam: What can I get for a rib? |
Re: joke..the lucky frog
Bwahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Re: joke..the lucky frog
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' |
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