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How to Start a Fight...

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied:

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow, I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally, she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to apply for the Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!' So, I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

You are not going to believe this. I ordered Chinese takeout from a local place (won't name them but not in town) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!! I thought what on earth is that. Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the box of pork fried rice!
I thought it's got to be a rat, or a mouse, or something, so I carefully pulled the bag open...
And there it was ... ... A Peking Duck!!!
Just a little laugh for today.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 427.060 (Post 1643873)

Orange sauce?? :smirk:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baboyes43 (Post 1644357)

Why does a Chevrolet driver always look like he's ready to fight? Because every time he opens the door, he's trying to escape from his Chevrolet. :laugh:

I don't get it.

Walter Matthau tells a joke to Johnny Carson…

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.

I think I have already posted ONE of these, but can't remember which one. Don't feel like reviewing 126 pages to figure it out.

1. Spell correct can be a bitch. Consider this one.

Frank sent the following text message to his next door neighbor:

Bob. I have been feeling guilty, and need to get something off my chest. For the last 6 months I have been tapping your wife. Just didn’t know how to break the news to you. Hope you can forgive me. And hope we can still be friends.

Bob goes to the master bedroom in a rage and shoots his wife dead.

Frank sends a second text a few moments later: Damn spell correct; “wifi” NOT “wife”.

2 Best auto correct story is actually a true story.

33 years ago, I was representing a young lady who was adopting her 7 year old step son. My secretary at the time was a really sweet young lady who wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed but was the fastest typist I ever saw. Bless her heart, when I dictated, I had to dictate punctuation. Yes, I am that old; I used to use a dictaphone. A few years later, I just started creating at the computer myself. But I digress.

So I am proofing the final order of adoption. It was SUPPOSED to read that the new mom was taking all parental responsibility for the “...care and nurturing...” of this young man. Joyce butchered “nurturing” so badly, that it was auto corrected to read “neutering”. Thankfully, I caught the typo when proofing it. I told Joyce: “Judge Kelly may approve this order, but I think the kid is going to object!”

On January 2nd 2025,Phil learned that he was going to lose his job,was diagnosed with skin cancer and his prostrate exam was due.He drove 8-1/2 hours one way to Green Bay to watch his beloved Bears play their final game of the year after a dismal season.He got a ticket for speeding,hit a Deer as well as a flat tire.He overpaid for a game ticket seated in a sea of Packer fans and was repeatedly mocked and spit on.As the clock wound down and a loss seemed eminent,most Bear fans proceeded to their cars,but Phil stuck it out & stayed seated to witness the surprise ending...Be like Phil,not Sue & Jill. 🙂

I have been looking at houses on Zillow near my Dad in Florida and ran across this. Open house might be interesting

Those Southern Hoes better than a Northern Hoe ???:wink:

They just have a deeper accent.

OK, is that where Linda Lovelace was from :naughty:

I actually googled that. Says Linda was born in the Bronx and at 16 moved to Davie Florida. It is near Fort Lauderdale about 2 hours away.

*AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON*

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

So two Irish men walk out of a bar.....

Yeah, right!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lynn (Post 1671941)

So two Irish men walk out of a bar.....

Yeah, right!!!

I had a father in law who was a drunk. Driver license was history forever. He lived about 1/2 mile from "his" bar and walked most days. One day, he got the bright idea to drive his lawn tractor to the bar instead of staggering home..... yep, cops were waiting and arrested him for DUI, driving without a license and public drunkenness, and threw his ass in jail. His wife refused to go get him and he sat there until they scheduled a hearing and then called someone to take him home.

Had to post this. Could be me

Isn't AI wonderful ?? I wonder if those 3 ladies are aware they now have full body tattoo art ?
That Tesla actually looks way better like that...:dunno:

When you die, you don't know you are dead, it's those around you who suffer. The same thing is true when you're stupid!

Got a new heated toilet set.

That's the one with the colonoscopy attachments!

I did not know of this is the right place or Lynn’s WTH thread. Either may be appropriate

hmmmm if i can get myself to come around on the front and rear that rear roof line completely kills it for me. if they had done it on a fastback maybe ????

Or... is it a 68 Camaro made to look like a Monza....:grin:

Just Why ?

WTH.

But yes, it belongs in this thread. It is definitely a joke. Seller will be sitting on that one for a while.