Len walks into an auto parts store and says to the man at the counter, “I’d like new air freshener for my Yugo.”

The man thinks for a while and finally says, “OK, deal...that's a pretty decent trade.”

Marco is on his couch watching Monday Night Football when his wife, Jocelyn, comes into the living room.

"Babe," she asks, sweetly, "can you please take out the trash?"

"Seriously?" says Marco to his wife. "Do I look like a garbage man to you?"

Jocelyn sighs and leaves her husband to his TV.

By the third quarter, the game is really tight. That's when Jocelyn comes in again and says, "Babe, the outside light isn't coming on. Can you try changing the bulb?"

Annoyed, Marco responds, "Really now...do I look some household electrician?"

With that, his wife leaves him to watch the game.

The next day, Marco comes home from work and Jocelyn tells him, "Oh, I saw Trey from across the street and asked him to fix the light outside. It's working now."

"Trey?" says Marco, suspiciously. "He doesn't do anything unless he gets something in return. What did he ask for?"

Jocelyn says, "He said I could either sleep with him or make his favourite cocktail."

"OK. So what drink did you make him?"

"Honey," says his wife, "do I look like a bartender to you?"

Phil and Earl had been best friends for decades and they both live to their late 90s. One day, Phil falls deathly ill. Earl visits him on his deathbed, and they reminisce about their long friendship and their lifelong passion for baseball.

As they’re thinking back to games they’ve attended, Earl says, "You know Phil, when you die, can you do me a favor? I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

Phil smiles weakly and responds, "Of course, Earl. I'll let you after I get there."

A short time later, Phil is gone.

Earl is out walking in a park a couple days later when he hears Phil’s voice coming from the sky. The voice says, "It’s me, Phil. I made it and I've got some good news and some bad news for you, Earl. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"That’s wonderful!" beams Earl. "What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Thursday."

.

Joke
 

St Peter

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3 year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Commandments for Seniors...

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

Your people skills are fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"On time" is when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it does muffle the sound.

I recently spent $6,500 on a registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

Yup.

The Art Collector




A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and

asked to speak to his client.


"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."


The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so

let's hear the good news first."


The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed

me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that

she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million.. and I

think she could be right."


Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is

A brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I

know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"


The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

funny joke

Trip to the zoo
 

I went to the zoo.

All they had was one dog.

It was a shitzu.

I’m officially an old crotchety bastard! Stay off my lawn!!:burnout:

But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours??? I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male Pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her Sister owned the store, there were NO Male employees. She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist.?? She assured me that she was completely Professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of Professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,“This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it” ??? The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my Sister.”When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do...
Free room and board...
1/3 ownership in the Store...
a Company Car...
a King Size Bed,

and $2,000 a month in Living Expenses

True story.

Back in the 70s a friend and his wife just finished watching a documentary about male prostitutes in Germany. The pros were getting paid $5 a pop (so to speak).

He jumps up from the couch and says: “I know where I am going.”

Runs into the bedroom and starts packing.

Wife: “Where the hell are you going?”

H: “I am going to Germany to be a male prostitute.”

Wife throws a suitcase up on the bed and starts packing.

H: “Where the hell are you going?”

W: “I am going to Germany and see how you live on $5 a month!”

:headbang:

Brad Upton, Scotch vs Makeup
 

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race for the first time and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey,that he entered it in another race,where it won by a wide margin.The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was upset with this kind of publicity,so he ordered the Pastor to not enter the donkey in another race.The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
That was too much for the Bishop,so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.The Pastor then decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.The local paper posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.He then informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,so she sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
The infuriated Bishop then ordered the Nun to buy the donkey back,and let it loose in the country where it could roam wild.The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

They buried the Bishop the next day.

That is hilarious ��

Old farmer gets a visit from the new kid at the County Extension. Kid is all excited because he has all kinds of new techniques to teach the farmer about how to increase production on his farm

After letting the kid go on for about 30 minutes on all the latest techniques and gadgets, the farmer stops him and says: "Son, you don’t understand; I am ALREADY not farming as good as I know how."

Moral of the story: Farm as well as you know how. Now!

.................................. :)

:biggthumpup:

Car symbols
 

Probably a necessary evil, but...

................. :laugh:

I should share that, the only job I've ever had besides GM (and the one I have now) was teaching 5 string bluegrass banjo in a music store, when I was in High School.

K

I worked on a car back in the 70s that intermittently would blow the accessory fuse.

There was a dime in the cig lighter.

:headbang::headbang:

I miss my grandfather.
The wonderful stories he used to tell, all the things he taught me about tools, and all the little projects we used to build together.
I can still hear his last words..
"Stop shaking the ladder you little bastard!"

Well brother, thank you for your service. ;)

Still irritating people for 51 years.

.

:) You'll go Down in....

HA