Smart kid.

Get ready for it.....

https://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog....00%2C524&ssl=1

"I'll be Bach."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

Two buddies are out golfing at a rural course right next to a farm. On the third tee, one of them hits a horrible drive, slicing it clear over into a field where a farmer is plowing. The ball strikes the farmer in the head, knocking him from his tractor which just keeps moving along in the field. The golfers go over to inspect the damage only to find the farmer has passed on.
OMG, says the one guy, what are you going to do? The fellow who hit the errant shot looks down at his hands cupped together in a simulated air grip, and says: “I think I need to move my right thumb a little bit to the right.”

Todays' The Day.

Oh, that is going to hurt...:smirk:


https://www.yenko.net/forum/cache.ph...5e35c5b08.jpeg

For sure.

.

Yes you do.

If that isn't Canadian...NOTHING is

.

Crazy.

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently
attending a church service at their retirement village.


About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen
and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed
it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think
I should do?"

Frank scribbled back:


"Put a new battery in your hearing aid." :laugh:

Ole and Sven were fishing in Minnesota when Sven pulled out a cigar.



Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Warning: Adult Content.

Mods feel free to delete if this is too risque'

This is the story of Corky. Corky was a regular guy in almost all respects. You see, the reason he was tagged with that nickname (Corky) was the unusual shape of a certain appendage. Yes, his johnson was shaped like a cork screw.

His entire adult life, he felt frustrated. He just didn’t think he fit in; at least not a snugly as he thought it should be. The frustration continued for years. He heard rumors of a gal in the deepest part of the jungle in Africa that had a ... hmm, shall we say a certain body part peculiar to females that was... you guessed it, shaped like a cork screw. At first he just dismissed the rumors as folk lore. Come on, what are the odds? After reading an issue of National Geographic at the Doctor’s office one day, he was convinced; she really did exist. Surely this was his soul mate.

He books plane fare to an unidentified Country in Africa. He does some investigating, and finds out where this fair maiden lives. He has to go by train for 6 hours. Then he uses a private tour guide in a Land Rover for another 4 hours. The last two hours is by foot. He also goes to the expense of getting an interpreter.

Eventually, he finds the village and identifies the girl. He and his interpreter start the difficult task of delicately broaching the subject of joining in holy .... something. Unbelievably, she is just as frustrated as him. She is game. They discuss logistics. Harness? What else are we going to need?

They come up with a plan, and the blessed evening is finally here. Then, to Corky’s surprise....










Wouldn’t you know it? Left hand threads.

Carjacking attempt failed because of horn button wired to make sounds of gunfire.

https://twitter.com/NeceHorn/status/...2110569074688?

----Oh, John. That's the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. How nsmart is that guy!....Bill S

rue story, circa 1979 or 80. I am working in an independent shop after leaving the Buick dealer. Worked with a guy in his 70s named Roy. Everyone called him Grandpa. Crotchety old guy who ALWAYS spoke his mind.

Young customer brings in his Blazer for an oil change. The oil change tech drains the oil and lowers the car to the ground. The customer puts a quart of some kind of Teflon impregnated lubricant (maybe TefGuard??) on the fender.

Roy is walking by and sees the TefGuard; walks over and picks it up. Looks straight at the kid and says: “what the hell is this?” Kid starts telling him all about this miracle lube that is going to make his engine run better, get better mileage, and last longer. Roy says: “who told you to put this in that motor?” Kid is a little stunned, and says: “well, my dad said to use this.” Says Roy: “Well he doesn’t know chit!!! If you are going to put this in there you may as well just back up and pi$$ in it.” Turns and walks away.

Roy was always good for a laugh.

What did Ted Kennedy say to Gary Hart during the 1984 primary campaign?

You get the girls; I'll drive.

... :)

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!" :)

.

I hope I NEVER get that old...:laugh:

Gilberto is driving on a lonely backwoods road one night when his Lexus suddenly quits on him. Not being mechanically inclined, Gilberto sits in his car nervously, trying to figure out what he's going to do.

As he sits motionless, he catches something emerging from the bushes at the side of the road. Suddenly, someone knocks on his window, and when Gilberto turns, he sees an enormous Great Dane standing on his hind legs.

"Pop the hood," says the dog.

Thunderstruck, Gilberto just stares with mouth gaping at the enormous animal.

"Pop the hood," repeats the Great Dane.

Thinking of no alternative, Gilberto does as he's told.

The dog starts to work on the engine, and then says, "Start the car."

Gilberto tries the ignition, but nothing happens.

The Great Dane ducks back under the hood and tinkers some more. A minute later, the dog asks the man to try starting his car again. This time, the engine turns over.

Seemingly satisfied, the Great Dane firmly closes the hood and trots back into the roadside bushes.

Baffled, Gilberto drives until he finds a gas station sometime later. Seeing an attendant, he says, "Holy geez, you're not going to believe this, but I have to tell someone. My car died and this giant Great Dane came out of nowhere and fixed it."

The attendant goes pale as if he had seen a ghost. "Man," he says, "you have no idea how lucky you are."

"Why?" asks Gilberto.

"That dog isn't a mechanic," explains the attendant carefully. "He only patches tires."