Chimpanzees tell it really well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9ETlTZoF1E

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says. “We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – Very tall, long eyelashes. and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says. “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says. “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

.

LOL and the rear profile is the same as the trash can!

Her: Get your stuff and get out! Don’t ever come back!

Him: OK. I’m leaving.

Her: I hope you die a slow painful death!

Him: So… you really want me to stay?? :dunno:

.

I guess this IS rocket surgery for me...what the heck is the red hat ???

Fez hat.
Pheasant.

Fez

It's a Fez..... :smirk:

I thought they were something for Shriner's, but after looking them up, seem to have/had a much deeper meaning to people in other countries.

Living in my, relatively, small world of cars and trucking for so long has left me ethnically and geographically challenged..:confused2:

.

Is-Isn't
Was-Wasn't
Fez-Pheasant


:)

So it begins..

:biggthumpup:

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the freeway coming home from shopping. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

LOL, this gave me a good laugh just when I was about to go to bed. :3gears:

After you have dealt with lowballers at swap meets for years...

1 headlight ?
Yeah
$50,000
Say WHAT ??
You get the rest of the car for FREE !! Part it out yourself.

Poor Joe Green. He made some very bad investments using borrowed money. When the bill came due he didn't have it. So they took his house. His wife was so angry she divorced him. He was fired from his job. He wound up on Skid Row.

Some time later, huddling under his cardboard abode, he hears a knocking sound. He sticks his head out and there stands a well dressed man holding a briefcase. "I used to dress like that."

"Are you Joe Green?"

"Yes I am, who are you?

" I am the lawyer for your Uncle Henry's Estate. He left you $500 in his will" and proceeds to hand Joe five crisp one hundred dollar bills.

Joe is flabbergasted! It has been quite some time since he's held that much cash in his hands. "What shall I do with it?"

So he starts to think. Maybe blow it on a booze party with his buddies. But he can't get the rid of his minds eye image of the lawyer. "I know! I'll buy a new suit."

So he goes two block over to Canal street where the tailors do business, walks in and proclaims; "I am here to buy a $500 suit" and throws down the cash to show he is serious. The head taylor looks at him and tells him, maybe he should spend a little of the money and get a shower, haircut and shave. Then come back to get measured. It will take less than a day to cut his new suit. So off he goes and returns two hours later looking human again. "Much better, now lets get you measured." It's now 11 AM. "Come back at 5PM, your suit will be ready.

Joe is so excited. He looks like a successful person and once again dresses like one. Let's see what his buddies think of him now.

"Hey Jimmy, how do you like my $500 suit?" Wow Joe that looks great on you. But I see your right pants leg is a little longer than the left, so if you just bend over a bit and grab the material on your thigh and pull it up - that's it! Now they match."

OK - no big deal, the tailor can fix it tomorrow. A lttile further he runs into Sammy. "Hey Sammy - it's my new $500 suit!." Holy cow Joe that looks fantastic but it looks like the shoulders aren't evenly hanging down your arms. Why don't you tilt to the right - that it's - much better."

Now Joe is pissed, the pants aren't even, one shoulder is higher than the other. "Cripes, I must look like Quasimoto from the Hunchback of Notre Dame." Right back to the tailor first thing in the moring.

As Joe is hobbling down the street he passes two Nuns. One turns to the other; " that poor cripple." And the other one says "but oh how his suit fit!

......... :)

Isn't THAT the truth...:rolleyes2:

.

Joke
 

Joke

.

Joke