......

Anybody want a ride on my Wiener ? Could be a good pick up line ??

A fellow walked into a bank in New York City asking for a loan for $4000 dollars.

“Well, before we lend you the money we are going to need some kind of security” the bank teller said.

“No problem” the man responded here are the keys to my car “you’ll see it, it’s a black Porsche parked in the back of the parking lot.”

A few weeks later the man returned to pay off his loan. While he was paying it up, along with the interest of $11 dollars, the manager came over, “sir, we are very happy to have you’re business, but if you don’t mind me asking, after you left we looked into you and found out that you are a millionaire, why would you need to borrow $4000 dollars?”

“Well, the fellow responded it’s quite simple, where else can I park my car for three weeks in New York for $11 dollars?”

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50 and $50 is $50."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is $50 and $50 is $50."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's $50."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know... $50 is $50!"

.

......

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

.

.

.

This time, a little voice came out of the box,


"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Brad lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist. He
was sick of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global
warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that
occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and
window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the
windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window
and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they
broke in, pulling Brad from the car. A little sip of water and,
surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead
battery.

;)

A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead s*x life.

After cooking his favorite meal for dinner one evening, she had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair.

After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment, she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view.

It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y -e-s,” She answered coyly with a seductive smile.”


“Thank God!” he said, ” I thought you were sitting on the cat.”

He never saw her glass of wine coming.

Al shows up to work one hour late. His boss is standing in his office doorway. "I told you the next time you show up late - you're fired. Now get the hell out of here!"

Al leaves his business, no longer employed, gets in his car and drives home. On the way a guy runs a STOP sign and T-Bones Al's car which is now totally destroyed. Standing on the sidewalk waiting for a taxi he asks himself: "can this day get any worse?"

The taxi drops him off at his house. He enters and hears noises coming from the upstairs bedroom: sex noises. He rushes up the stairs, throws open the bedroom door and sees his wife in bed with his best friend.

He screams "GET OUT you whore, you slut!" "Get out of this house RIGHT NOW!" The wife grabs the top sheet, wraps herself up and fleeing the bedroom and leaves the house. Al turns to his best friend . . .


"Bad Dog! . . . Bad Dog!"

.

I saw that as you can’t be hunter Biden for Halloween!

Never mess with an old fart -- not ever ... not no how ...

..

..

Lmao

.............. :)

😂

,,

:blush:

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:beers: