Yep! :D

Blue Oyster Cult's soundboard.

Someone just sent me this asking if I'd be interested...

At least you posted in the correct thread.

Just broke up with my cross eyed girlfriend,because she was seeing someone off to the side.

..

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....

(get ready)

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, it's funny)

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

We really are getting old. I am pretty sure that last one has already posted in this thread. Maybe not. May have just read it on another forum.

Just too lazy to go back and look at every post.

Kids actual test answers
 

Real answers for the real world.

How many space heaters can you plug in at once?
Answer: No more then 2..

Her last kiss.....

Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked,"Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

JOKE # 1 After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

CANADIAN JOKE #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under her arm.. Her friend Joan stops her and asks, 'Hey Sharon! Whacha got the case of beer for?'

'I got it for my husband, eh.' answers Sharon..

'Oh!' exclaims Joan, 'Good trade.'



CANADIAN JOKE #3

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.



CANADIAN JOKE #4

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BUGGER!!!'


CANADIAN JOKE #5

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.
'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Quebecer.


CANADIAN JOKE #6

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here'

'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the other two?'

'Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.'


Reply Reply All Forward

:haha::haha: Those are good ones Charlie! My good friend Rick Mitchell from Cambridge ONT. always reminds me, when I offer him a Bud Light, "That's Not Real Beer"

Am I getting to that age?


I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.


A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? "


I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator."


She didn't quite know how to respond.


I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.


When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!


Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance.”


The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way.


I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.


Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.


Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

.

And he's right..all light beer is gurl beer :naughty:

X2.

"I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.


A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? "


I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator."


She didn't quite know how to respond."

Reminds me of a true story that happened several years ago. As one of several regional sales managers for a large corporation, we would all gather annually with upper management for a territory review. One of my former co-workers, (Canadian), was reviewing his region with management when the account North River Boats came up. The manager asked "what do they produce?" and without hesitation, the regional manager replied "bicycles". After a brief silence, the room burst into laughter. I miss that guy.....

..

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd, sure enough, get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

The Man Who Gave Up Sex for Golf


A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.





Just then, some stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"




Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!




Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."




The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"




Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.





On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Could winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”




"Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.





As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."




“Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley.”

.

..