Thought you'd enjoy this! This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly a mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!


I've never seen a better explanation than this formula...how true it is.

I used to play poker regularly...

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day, and both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The Angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The Angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The Angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately stated: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and got admitted to Heaven!

Could you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are!" :beers::beers::beers:

Here it is.

Not a JOKE -- but what the past was like ...

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day The older lady went on to explain: Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass-young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tic us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

A blond lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blond, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blond .

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blond's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blond walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blond. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" :beers:

Georgia ... The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana ... A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana”.
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi ... The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina ... A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee ... A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Florida ... The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign on that pole in front of you.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the wifi password?’

Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'

Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'

Bartender: 'We have Molson’s Canadian on tap.'

Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'

Bartender: '$8.00.'

Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?'

Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst". No spaces and all lowercase.'

Texas Aggie #1: Hey there man, what you got in the bag.

Texas Aggie #2: Live Chickens.

Texas Aggie #1: If I guess how many there are, would you give them to me?

Texas Aggie #2: Sure; if you guess both of 'em.

Texas Aggie #1: OK; five.

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol:

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”

Good one TAZ!!! :haha:

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f…...n' ear." :beers: :flag::flag:

Lol!

.

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.


The F17 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset, the F17 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level.

The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"

The rain was pouring down. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart aleck, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man.

AIRLINE FOOD - A TRUE STORY?

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening AER LINGUS flight from Dublin the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement...

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up -- one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.."Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came four hours later...

“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”

GOD BLESS THE IRISH! :beers::beers::beers:

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

Two friends are walking their dogs -- a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua -- when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.

“A Dalmatian?”

“Yes, they’re using them now.”

The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.

“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.

“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

You are from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones.

16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside and you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator was your governor.

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!" replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack due to an unknown congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?"

"That one was a Democrat", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

remember this is posted as humor and not intended otherwise.

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

https://youtu.be/n6mbW-jMtrY


great video

Raccoons wash their food before eating it,so they gave em cotton candy.. LOL

A mushroom walks into a bar, bartender says get out, we don’t serve your kind in here.
The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi”

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!” :beers::beers::beers:

Subject: Golf Relationship.
It's so easy to fall in love



Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. When they got back home, he immediately started asking her out.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

MISSING PERSON Report

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut ... then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

"The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

..... Love the Dad's reply!

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

Hmmmmmm…might be more truth than fiction?!!!

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddagh duff,
Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard.
"We're sorry, Mr. O'Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O'Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O'Flynn.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Apparently I’m banned from the local Walmart. They've kept good records on me I guess!! I'm okay with that though!

I just received this letter from Walmart’s corporate office:

Dear Mr. TAZ

Over the past several months you have caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban you from the store. Complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: You took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: You set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: You made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: you walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: You went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: You moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

8. August 18: When a clerk asked if they could help you, you began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called...

9. August 21: you looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while you picked your nose.

10. August 26: While handling guns in the hunting department, you asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. Aug 28: You darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. Sept 3: In the auto department, you practiced your ‘Madonna look' by using different sized funnels.

13. Sept 5: you hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, you yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.Sept 6: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, you assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. Sept 7: You went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out

There is such seriousness in the world, I share these as we could all use a laugh. :headbang::headbang::headbang:

I went grocery shopping recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to crap yourself" chili. Tasty stuff,
albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the
next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and
even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know
what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement
2". espite habanera peppers swimming their way through
my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create
the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door
neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not
sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a
local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in
search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go"
pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were
staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way
through the small intestines, forcing their way into
the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of
which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile
odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the
lower part of my body, and I began to move up the
aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see
what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium
that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it
unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm
sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply
watched as she walked into an invisible, and
apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her
arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry
bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then
made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With
each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my
nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing
off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming,
and I raced off through the store towards the
restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating
above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO
BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
in
the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and
Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
"Sonofab....!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my
partially filled cart intending to carry on with my
shopping when a store employee approached me and said,
"Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink
bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the
vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual
gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his
shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an
accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!",then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that
there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I
consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop
at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because
we are in court over the whole matter. They claim
they're going to have to repaint the store...