The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3 year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Commandments for Seniors...

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

Your people skills are fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"On time" is when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it does muffle the sound.

I recently spent $6,500 on a registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

Yup.

The Art Collector




A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and

asked to speak to his client.


"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."


The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so

let's hear the good news first."


The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed

me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that

she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million.. and I

think she could be right."


Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is

A brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I

know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"


The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

funny joke

Trip to the zoo
 

I went to the zoo.

All they had was one dog.

It was a shitzu.

I’m officially an old crotchety bastard! Stay off my lawn!!:burnout:

But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours??? I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male Pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her Sister owned the store, there were NO Male employees. She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist.?? She assured me that she was completely Professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of Professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,“This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it” ??? The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my Sister.”When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do...
Free room and board...
1/3 ownership in the Store...
a Company Car...
a King Size Bed,

and $2,000 a month in Living Expenses