Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’.....

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!

A very caring and sentimental man...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... 'I would have gotten out today.'

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it ... or if need be mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom.

60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

Ha!

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

The minister began his Children’s Sermon with a question,

“Who knows what a Resurrection is?”

Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.”

The pastor is still laughing.

Text message to neighbor:

Hi, Fred, this is Hank, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably more frequently than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you

Regards, Hank

Neighbor’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Hank, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Hank.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred, Hank here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”
Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

Regards,
Hank

CROWS..... THE CLEANERS OF THE HIGHWAYS/ For North America
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No one made you keep reading....

So. you’re looking for humor at a funeral?

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral. A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life........

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry ... I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist!

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

I do not understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and, with a regimen of regular doses, you will overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had..

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who would not mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important medical information!


“LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM”

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it . . . . .

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was also good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word, fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny proudly said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried. :cool2:

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

“It’s nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

“Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too."

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by Staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next Morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250..00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.

“It's a Nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight Stay! I didn't even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that $250.00 is The ‘standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are Available for use.” “But I didn't use them,” she said. ”Well, they are Here, and you could have,” explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel Shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the World over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn't go to any of Those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter What amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn't use it!” and The Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes Discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and Gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

“But madam, this check is for only $50.00.” “That's correct. I charged You $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn't!” exclaims the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I Was here, and you could have.”

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

Visiting one of those new Physician's Assistants can be traumatizing...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. Let me see the problem."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to an AA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING -- OR AT LEAST SMILING!!

'

Sorry if posted previously?
:beers:
~ Pete

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