On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

In the morning Tom calls to his boss:

- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss replies:

- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later Bob calls:

- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

.

Ever wonder why it takes 6 months to get an appointment with a
Psychiatrist?

What a morning……

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two
snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies
are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed
because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I
mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded
and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up
trouble at this sensitive time.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

I'm not sure why you would need a bathroom...

(lol)

Here's mine. It's "uni-sex" and self cleaning.

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

:haha::haha: Nice TAZ!!!

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am almost seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.........

She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

How to Stop old People from bugging you about getting married:

Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same to them at funerals.

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:



* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Direct Marketing.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."



That's Advertising



_____________________________





* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Telemarketing.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Public Relations.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."



That's Brand Recognition.



______________________________





*You're a woman and you're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.



That's a Sales Rep.



______________________________





* You're a woman and your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.



That's Tech Support.



______________________________





* You're a woman and you are on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"



That's Facebook.



______________________________





*If you are a man and secretly disclose a list of names of those women who are fantastic in bed,



That's "Insider Trading."



______________________________





* You're a woman and you are at a party; this attractive wealthy older man walks up to you and grabs you.



That's Bill Clinton



______________________________





* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.



That's America!

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.



He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,



'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'



His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse’



‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.



A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

> Subject: YOU'RE IN THE ARMY

> NOW Fifty-one years ago, Herman
> James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his
> first day in basic training at Fort Polk, Louisiana, the Army issued
> him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On
> his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon
> the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the
> Army issued him a jock strap. As of this week, the Army has been
> looking for Herman for 51 years!
>

Super Bowl
 

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

https://s18.postimg.org/90ora8vix/download_1.jpg

https://s18.postimg.org/cx236b13t/download.jpg

https://s18.postimg.org/nwnahvh89/download_2.jpg

I have a racing buddy who lost part of his ring finger in a shop accident.

Naturally, he wasn't planning on going to the hospital that day, so he had on some old underwear that had a bunch of holes in it (/them?).

When he got to the emergency room he had to get a tetanus shot first thing. The nurse asked him to pull his jeans down, and then commented "...well, at least I don't have to ask you to pull your underwear down..."

K

.........

Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward. again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . finally . . . totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . . "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine's Day she’s getting a magazine rack!

True story:

So, after my surgery, I had to wear a catheter for 30 days. Fun.

We still had the grandsons every other Thurs afternnon, overnight and all day on Friday.

They will be five on Sat. Pics attached from last spring.
The first time they were over and saw the foley bag, they were very inquisitive. I told them it was full of pee and blood from my surgery.

Two weeks later, Brian asks: "Now what is in that bag?" I told him it was my pee, and a little bit of blood from my surgery. Showed him my six incisions, and explained that I was still healing. I explained that I did not go pee like they did. I just went to the toilet, held the bag over it and opened the valve. Explained that the tube went up inside me into where my pee comes from.

Brian had a funny look on his face, and then asked: "Do you still have a penis?"

Charley is correct: children always speak their minds.

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist.

.....

.

Nobody will steal that wheel!

but wheres the bike it was attached too?

'

:beers:
~ Pete

.

There it is!

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a
possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles
the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What
in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald duck!"

That was good!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.



Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied...."Divorce attorney.”

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her:

"Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Abe said: "Screw him."